Friday, May 29, 2009

Something's Happening that Doesn't Suck



This is the Angel Card I drew while I was visiting my sister. These angel cards are eerily meaningful. Whether or not they are predictors, or if they just happen to give you the nudge you need when you need it—well, I guess it doesn't really matter. Crystal had the news I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. My wonderful sister Kim framed this card for me. 

I have energy. Its not long, long lasting, but it is palpable. My strength is returning. Yesterday, while walking up an incline, I felt the smallest stirring in my glutes. I may get my butt back yet!

Yesterday Randin and I hired a chef to come a few nights a week to cook, (obviously), but also to instruct us. This woman, Dawn, has also experienced the terror of low, low weight. She's been to 85 and back, and so knows what I am up against. I really believe she can help me through my weight gain, to do it healthfully, and most importantly sustainably, intelligently, and lovingly.

Yesterday was also a chemo day. The doctors were surprised that my blood counts recovered enough to receive it. They tell me there is nothing I can do to effect my counts, that it is simply something that happens on its own. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure because so much has changed for me in the last few weeks. I'm eating for one. I'm not really depressed anymore, for another. 

Today I went to see the acupuncturist. It mellows me out. I'm so remarkably tense from my top of my head to my belly. I'm probably tense body wide to be truthful, but I feel the rigidity primarily in my upper body and jaw. I think it is because I am angry at my body right now. My heart is wrapped up and closed, and that includes my arms. (They often do the wrapping). 

I think I'm ready to open my heart again, and to trust my body again. To listen to my body. I must remember that this sickness is here to teach me something. It is using my body as the metaphor. I love metaphors. I love poetry. I love language. I love to examine and interpret, and share what I have learned with others. My eyes are opening. I no longer have them clenched shut.  I'm blinking and looking about like a newborn. And I'm just as hairless! More! 

2 comments:

sashaearle said...

Go the glutes!!!! love you x

Stephanie said...

Hey Brandi.

I've been thinking a lot about you lately -- about your strength and what you're going through. This might sound weird, but I have always thought the world of you. In high school, I always thought if I could be someone else for a day, it would be you. Not only because you're so frikkin' beautiful, but because you always seemed so together, and so mature. Now I know what that was -- it was wisdom. You have some innate wisdom & awareness that most people just don't have. :)

I'm so glad to hear that you're starting to feel better. I'm sending lots of warm wishes your way. May your strength keep coming, and your heart keep opening, and may life fill with meaning for you!

Steph