The Strangest Thing

Today a total stranger said I was beautiful. This hasn't happened to me in years. This may never have happened to me. She said, "You probably hear this all the time, but you are so beautiful."

Wow. What a thing to hear.

Sure, my family tells me this. And my husband too, of course. And I'm sure they mean it! But the people you love are always beautiful. I've never considered myself empirically pretty.

This cancer stuff is really working for me.

Patient

pa⋅tient
n. a person who is under medical care or treatment.
adj. bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

Okay. After this week I am officially over it. I am tired of taking pills x number of times a day and at certain hours; going to doctor's appointments and waiting; my body changing and worrying about every little change and what it might mean and if it is permanent; chemo therapy; the threat of hospital stays, and therefore hospital food; looking into the future and seeing more doctor's appointments, more chemo, more prescriptions. Bah. I want this to be over. I am not patient, so I don't want to be a patient.

I keep wondering how it is children are so successful at overcoming ALL and adults less so. My suspicion is children don't have calendars, nor do they read and understand the entire protocol, nor do they have much previous experience to compare this one against. For the next two years I will be on chemo therapy for two weeks and off for one. I'm not sure, maybe the doses lessen. Two weeks on, one week off, for two years. Oh, my, God. It has been 63 days since I was diagnosed. I'm still much closer to my old life and schedule than I am to this one. I'm clinging to a life where I didn't have to be patient. This is real, I can not go back. Not ever. I am a patient. I will have to cultivate fortitude and calm to offset my anger and complaint.

Fortitude. This word works well in hymns and scriptures, but what does it even mean? Dictionary please: Courage in pain or adversity. In other words I'm scared, but as there is no out, I will do it anyway.

What am I afraid of? I could die. I might die. I will die, someday. My life is currently happening, even if it is cancer flavored. Is death the thing I'm really worried about? Not so much, I think truly it is change. I will change through this process—but into what? What will I no longer be able to do? This is what I genuinely fear.

Calm. Can I be calm? Is mine a process of fighting to stay alive, or of accepting the way my life is now? Is this a fight or a surrender? 

What will I become after these two years? What new things will I be able to do? Maybe I'll be able to distinguish when to fight or when to surrender.

I am a patient (the surrender).
I can become patient (the fight).

Quick Update: Consolidation 1B

I'm back in the hospital, but just for 24 hours. I'm receiving a new type of chemo this week which may or may not make me nauseated. So far I've been lucky. Let's pray my luck holds, shall we? This chemo will be given as an outpatient, for 8 days, over two weeks (I get a 3 day break in between). And of course this will be in tandem with the sexy oral chemo 6MP. I'm not very happy to be back at the hospital, but I love the nursing and doctor staff here so much, it makes it tolerable. Plus there is indoor walking space here.

In other news, I can't believe how much better I feel since going alkaline. I'm a total convert. I wonder, if there is something I can do to bring FOOD to the hospital for the other patients. And of course the big question is, can they learn to love kale for breakfast? I sure do!

Overdue Report!

Song Bird

Speaking of bliss (and of course grace) some of you have asked for the song sung "Divine" by Sasha Earle at the end of the Silly Walk video. You can buy her album from her Myspace page—and hear the song there. Or, download this version of the song with instrumentation and vocals added by Randin.

By the way, someone put a very annoying song in one of the comments on Sasha's page, and it plays over her music, so scroll down and stop it from playing. Myspace. Bleh. By the way Sasha, love the "Kul-cha" and the very sassy 1920 beaded head piece!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You never know just what will be the thing to change your mood. I never expected that a day in the hospital, undergoing a CT scan, a lumbar puncture with Chemotherapy, and a bone marrow sample would help put things back in perspective but, it did. I'm doing well, and I am very hopeful for the future. The LDS Hospital Blood and Bone Marrow rocks. I love my team! If you ever have leukemia, go here!

But the kicker was the package I found on my doorstep on returning home. My friend Jennifer Laffranchini Hane makes chocolate, or so I had heard. This woman does not make chocolate, she makes the most incredible shakti-packed morsels of bliss I have ever consumed. These items are magical, medicinal wonders. 

What ever you are doing, stop now. Order chocolates from Raw Chocolatier! 

New Year's Update